{"id":860,"date":"-0001-11-30T00:00:00","date_gmt":"-0001-11-30T05:17:32","guid":{"rendered":""},"modified":"-0001-11-30T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"-0001-11-30T04:00:00","slug":"","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/instipator.com\/?p=860","title":{"rendered":"Definition of holiday"},"content":{"rendered":"
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My mother had a propensity for planning her family vacations during the worst weather of the summer. By marrying an Irish lass, I figured I was circumventing the chaos gene, or at least mitigating it. For the most part, it has worked but we may have reached a point where the lucky charms are fighting a losing battle. This year, unwittingly, I scheduled my holidays for the same period as did my younger sister. Chaos seems to be triumphant this time\u2026<\/p>\n

On the first day of my holidays, the skies were grey and the forecast showed raincloud icons with little lightning bolts attached for as far as the eye could see. The forecast is often wrong, said the spouse, with uncharacteristic optimism. Given the forecast, we picked an indoor activity and took the littles ones to see a matinee showing of Wall-E, a cute little robotic love-story. Shy of his third birthday, the boy could not resist the urge to run up and down the theatre aisles while his sister could not move beyond the fact that we\u2019d arrived too late for popcorn. We had to promise to make her popcorn when we got home. Overall, it wasn\u2019t exciting\u2026but it was only the first day of our holidays, right?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the second day of our holidays, we decided to go berry picking. I\u2019ve been waiting all year for fresh strawberry and planned on picking lots so we could make jam later in the week. Pack the kids in the car, lather them up with sunscreen (in case the sun comes out), fill the packsack with water, snacks, bug repellent and off we go.\u00a0 At the storefront counter, I tell the way-too-young and way-too-bored clerk that we\u2019re here to pick strawberries. Sorry, she says, no strawberries left. Raspberries? I ask. Not till next week. Blueberries? Nope. Anything? Nope. But we\u2019re welcome to use the petting zoo at the top of the hill. The \u201cpetting zoo\u201d consists of three bunnies, two goats and one donkey. We feed the goats and my daughter is a bit reluctant to stick her hand so close to the beasts\u2019 jaws. I show her how easy and safe it is and, as she begins to relax in my arms, the donkey, growing impatient, just clamps his jaws on my forearm.<\/p>\n

A donkey\u2019s jaw is pretty powerful, I\u2019m discovering, as the pain is sufficient to make me think a bone fracture might be in my future but I don\u2019t want to freak out my daughter by screaming like a girl so I smile and, with my good arm, reach over and grab a bit of rabbit food stick it under his nose. Apparently, rabbit food tastes better than my arm so I\u2019m free. My daughter looks at the bite marks on my arm and studies my face to see if there\u2019s any reason to panic\u2026I smile at her, she smiles back and the moment is saved.\u00a0 We recover the rest of the day by visiting a reptile museum where we watch a snake suck in a dead rodent, have a tarantula crawl up my arm and walk through a maze of cobbled-together cages where endless varieties of turtles are displayed. Is there anything more interesting than watching a turtle eat vegetables? So ends another day of fun.<\/p>\n

On the third day of our holidays, it poured. So we played some indoor games. Some friends came over and the children frolicked outside for the 45 minutes of sunshine we were apparently alloted that day. Somewhat sedate but we tried to recover by lining up a sitter and going out for a gourmet evening followed by a comedy show. I reserved a table at a Spanish restaurant we\u2019d never been since my dearest one was interest in perhaps a little tapas and the paella was highly recommended, and I booked us into a local comedy club.\u00a0 Upon arrival at the restauraunt, we found ourselves virtually alone with a charming but apologetic hostess who advised us that they have a flamenco player on Thursday\u2026too bad we came on a Wednesday.\u00a0 We plodded on and ordered the ham and melon tapas and a litre of wine. For some reason or other, we were surprised that the ham and melon tapas was nothing more than a few slices of ham dropped on a few pieces of melon. Finally, we ordered a vegetarian paella with a side of garlic shrimp for my wife. Conclusion: the wine was okay.<\/p>\n

Off to the comedy show, hoping for redemption. I guess I failed to note that Wednesday is amateur night at the comedy club.<\/p>\n

On the fourth day of our holidays the office called to let me know we were switching to production mode on a major system and my software didn\u2019t seem to work with the new upgrades. Thursday was spent VPN\u2019d to the office going through code to fix the issue before we went gold. Then it rained.<\/p>\n

On the fifth day of our holidays I woke up, had breakfast, and felt like I hadn\u2019t slept in 3 years. Actually, that\u2019s partly true, but nonetheless, I was knackered and every joint was aching. And I had a fever. I lay in bed all morning, chilled to the bone. I had a glass of water for lunch while the rest of the family lovingly treated my like a leper\u2026probably a wise move. In the afternoon, for a change, I sweated profusely while my wife checked the status of our life insurance policies.<\/p>\n

On the sixth day of our holidays, the fever has subsided to a low-grade one and the aches and pains were more bearable so I found the energy for a shower. Somewhat refreshed I was nonetheless perplexed when, upon performing a customary movement, I noticed a slight pain signalling me something was amiss on my buttock. Hmmm, I thought. Retiring to the bathroom, I checked out my butt in the mirror. It\u2019s not normally a pretty sight but, judging from what I saw, it appeared that a large predatory insect or alien creature had attacked my backside and left a large red welt the size of small pizza. I\u2019ll spare the reader any further details or pictures; suffice it to say that it was red, swollen, hot to the touch and, no matter which way you stand, sit or walk, painful.<\/p>\n

Now, with both my bad-luck parents on the other side of mortality, you\u2019d think at least one of them would be rooting for me. Why did whoever controls fate, need to dish this out on a Saturday morning when the doctor\u2019s offices are all closed? And do you know what? If you have a sore leg you get sympathy\u2026sore ass? You get laughter. Then it hit me. Sore ass? A donkey is also an ass\u2026hmmm. Coincidence? You\u2019d think yes\u2026 but then my wife looks up the symptoms on the \u2018net (which is always a reliable source of medical information) and finds a reference to \u201cfoot and mouth disease\u201d\u2026 Great. So now I\u2019m going to die from bovine disease, contracted from a donkey who bit my arm and caused my bum to swell. I bet the boys at the office will be lining up to say something at my eulogy. \u201cHe was a great guy\u2026but a bit of bad ass\u2026\u201d or \u201cHe got a little behind\u2026but problems just grew\u201d\u2026 Oh, man\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026and my vacation isn\u2019t over yet. Did I mention those little cloud icons with lightning rods still stretch out to eternity? At least I have a pool I can look at.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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